LOIKE OMG I JUST JOINED THE COOLEST WHORE TRAIN ON MYSPACE! 10000 FRIENDS!

May 2006

LIKE OMG! IT REALLY WORKS! 1000 PEOPLE ADDED ME, THEN I LOST 30 POUNDS AND ALL MY NEW FRIENDS COMMENTED ON ALL MY PICTURES AND TOLD ME HOW SEXY AND NOT-FAT I AM, LIKE OMG, AND THEN I GOT AN EMAIL FROM TOM WHERE HE GAVE ME HIS PERSONAL PHONE NUMBER SO I CALLED HIM UP AND NOW I HAVE A TOP 40 INSTEAD OF A TOP 8 AND A DATE WITH TOM! LIKE OMG YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE HOW RICH HE IS NOW! AND HE'S MUCH HOTTER THAN HIS PROFILE PICS! SO WE WENT ON A DATE AND HE TOLD ME HOW IT WAS A BIG INTERNET CONSPIRACY TO KEEP YOU THINKING THAT MYSPACE COULD GET SHUT DOWN ANY MINUTE BECAUSE IT "KEEPS THE SHEEP IN LINE" AND HE GAVE ME THIS CREEPY NANCY REAGAN-ISH SMILE YOU KNOW THE KIND WHERE IT LOOKS LIKE THE TEETH ARE TRYING TO EAT THE LIPS OFF AND THEN HE OFFERED ME A TOP 64 AND 10000 NEW FRIENDS TO SHUT ME UP, LIKE OMG AND THEY WOULD COMMENT ON ALL MY PICTURES, IT REALLY WORKS! BUT NOT BEFORE TELLING ME THAT THERE IS NO REAL TILA TEQUILA SHE'S WHAT'S KNOWN IN COMPUTER LINGO AS A "BOT" OR A "FRIENDLY VIRUS" AND THAT THE ACTRESS THAT PLAYS TILA IS RELATED TO THE ACTOR THAT PLAYED OSAMA BIN LADEN IN ALL THE "SECRET TAPES", BUT THAT HE SHAVED TO PLAY A WACKY CONVENIENCE STORE GUY IN ANOTHER GODAWFUL MARTIN LAWRENCE MOVIE WHERE HE PLAYS A DIFFERENT FAT WOMAN SO THAT'S WHY WE'RE ONLY GETTING AUDIO TAPES NOW BECAUSE A SHAVEN OSAMA BIN LADEN DOESN'T EXACTLY FIT THE "SHAGGY TERRORIST" STEREOTYPE AND OH GOD ISN'T IT KINDA SAD THAT THE ONLY WAY MARTIN LAWRENCE CAN PLAY IN A MOVIE NOW IS TO BE IN DRAG AND NOT JUST IN DRAG, IN FAT DRAG I WONDER IF THAT'S PART OF HIS CONTRACT NOW, LIKE SOME SORT OF CREEPY FETISH. "I WON'T DO ANY MORE MOVIES UNLESS YOU MAKE ME A FAT BLACK WOMAN", WELL YOU KNOW, HE'S PLAYED A LOT OF "FEMALE" ROLES IN HIS "CAREER" AND YOU KNOW, AS A GUY HE IS VIOLENTLY UNFUNNY. LIKE CARROT TOP.
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ARE YOU STILL READING THIS?
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CARROT TOP BY THE WAY HAS SEVERAL DOZEN FAKE MYSPACE PROFILES WITH HOT FEMALE PROFILE PICS IN ORDER TO SEDUCE MEN. "FOR RESEARCH" HE SAYS. BUT HE HAS 20000 FRIENDS AND YOU CAN TOO LIKE OMG. IT REALLY WORKS. BUT YOU HAVE TO REPOST TO TWENTY PEOPLE NOW THAT YOU HEARD THIS OR ELSE AT EXACTLY 3:21 IN THE MORNING YOU WILL FIND CARROT TOP UNDER YOUR BED AND THEN IT WILL BE TOO LATE. WOULDN'T THAT BE AWFUL. OH THAT JOKE WAS IN BAD TASTE. YOU KNOW THAT CARROT TOP'S SISTER REALLY WAS KILLED BY A GHOST SLIME CLOWN THAT WAS UNLEASHED BY AN ERRANT MYSPACE BULLETIN. I GUESS YOU SHOULDN'T JOKE ABOUT SUCH THINGS. SO ANYWAY, FOR A SQUARE LOOKING GUY, TOM HAS SOME VERY REFINED TASTE IN FOOD. BY THE WAY, HE LOOKS NOTHING LIKE HIS PROFILE PIC. THAT IMAGE WAS A COMPUTER GENERATED BY THE REPUBLICAN PARTY AS SORT OF AN "AMERICAN EVERYMAN". TOM ACTUALLY RESEMBLES NOAH WYLE BUT HAS THIS ODD HABIT OF DRESSING LIKE PRINCE. AND HE TALKS LIKE A BAD BOOK ON TAPE OF HOMER'S "THE ODDYSSEY" LIKE ALL "AND HE SPOKE WITH WING-ED WORDS" AND STUFF. LIKE OMG. WHAT THE HELL IS WINGED WORDS EVEN SUPPOSED TO MEAN? WOULDN'T IT BE WEIRD IF REALLY AWFUL GREEK TRANSLATIONS SPAWNED THE ENTIRE ROMANTIC ERA OF POETRY AND PROSE LIKE HOW PEOPLE NOW THINK THAT SHAKESPEAREAN LANGUAGE IS ALL HOITY TOITY BUT HE WAS ACTUALLY SPEAKING IN THE SLANG OF HIS ERA. AND I COULDN'T GET TOM TO STOP TALKING ABOUT HOW MISUNDERSTOOD THE MARQUIS DE SADE WAS AND THAT WITH HIS NEWFOUND MONEY, TOM WISHED TO "REPLICATE HIS CULTURAL EXPERIMENT" AND THERE WENT THAT NANCY REAGAN LIP-GNAWING SMILE. LIKE I ACTUALLY THINK HE DOESN'T REGARD '120 DAYS OF SODOM' AS A WORK OF SOCIAL SATIRE. BUT THEN AGAIN I STILL CAN'T MAKE HEADS OR TAILS OF DE SADE OR ANYONE THAT CLAIMS TO UNDERSTAND HIM. I CAN'T MAKE ANY SENSE OUT OF JOYCE EITHER. IT'S EXTREMELY FLOWERY IN THE FIRST PLACE AND THEN HE THROWS IN WHAT SEEMS LIKE A CODE OVER IT. TOM ROBBINS WRITING IS VERY FLOWERY TOO AND IT GETS ON MY NERVES. HE'LL SPEND A WHOLE PARAGRAPH TELLING YOU WHICH DIRECTION A RIVER IS RUNNING. I GUESS IT'S AN IRISH THING. IS TOM ROBBINS IRISH? SO ANYWAY, TOM (NOT ROBBINS, THE MYSPACE GUY) HAS BOUGHT THIS LARGE MANSION ON THIS HILL, AND HE, KARL ROVE, BILL GATES, AND FRED DURST ARE PLANNING ON REENACTING "THE 120 DAYS" EXPERIMENT AS HE CALLS IT. AND THEN HIS FACE ERUPTS INTO ONE OF THOSE MINCING GEORGE W. BUSH SMIRKS, YOU KNOW THE KIND YOU WANT TO SLAP RIGHT OFF HIS FACE. HAVE YOU SEEN THE WEBSITE WHERE THEY TAKE PICTURES OF BUSH AND SET THEM NEXT TO PHOTOS OF CHIMPANZEES? LIKE OMG IT'S SO FUNNY. AND IT REALLY WORKS! JUST PRESS ONE BUTTON! SO ANYWAYS HE'S BOUGHT THE ENTIRE SWANS DISCOGRAPHY BUT HE SAYS HE'LL PROBABLY JUST STICK TO THE EARLY STUFF FOR THE SOUNDTRACK, MAYBE SOME NURSE WITH WOUND IN THE LAST 40 DAYS. THEY'RE JUST TRYING TO SORT OUT THE "PERFECT" SCAPEGOAT TO BLAME THE REMAINING CARNAGE ON. OH BY THE WAY, I SHOULDN'T BE TELLING YOU THIS, AND I'M A LITTLE SCARED TO GIVE YOU TOO MUCH INFORMATION, BUT KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR A CERTAIN BULLETIN CLAIMING YOU'LL WIN A CERTAIN PRIZE. WHAT YOU'LL REALLY WIN IS A TRIP TO A MANSION MILES FROM CIVILIZATION WITH FOUR OF THE MOST POWERFUL MEN IN MEDIA. AND DON'T PLAN ON RETURNING.