GROUND RULES.

August 2006.

YES, SOME OF THESE SEEM IRONIC NOW IN HINDSIGHT. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Hunter S. Thompson described a chunk of his life as "being shot out of a beautiful cannon in some sort of X-Rated Peter Pan movie". I can't say that I've ever identified with that. But I have faced my share of weirdness so far, and have a few survival tactics I would like to share, many of them VERY recent lessons.

Here we go:

1) NEVER DOUBT YOUR OWN SANITY. Reevaluate EVERY motivation, cast doubt on all your most treasured beliefs and intentions, but remain convinced of your own sanity. Some people may think you're crazy, but as soon as YOU believe it, EVERYONE will quickly become convinced.

2) Never date anyone that genuinely believes you are a "genius". That person will eventually (and very soon) run from you SCREAMING.

3) If you've brewed up an incredibly good, absolutely scathing remark that you're sure will win an argument with someone you intend to run into again, you're definitely better off keeping it to yourself.

4) Try it a couple of times, but after that, try not to drink alone. It's an interesting experience to feel the release of inhibitions with absolutely no one to reel you back in, but it can turn into a pretty pathetic routine.

5) Don't be the only person drinking at a public function. It really looks bad. Especially when that function is a family gathering.

6) Every opportunity you can get, try to weasel a naked photo or two from a significant other, preferably during a sex act. Often a well placed wank can prevent a pathetic 4AM phone call, begging for forgiveness for all you did wrong, you lousy drunk misguided fuck-up.

7) Never turn down the opportunity to:
a) skinny dip
b) write something into drying concrete
c) legally destroy something very large
d) perform onstage
e) have sex someplace really improper or public if you're sure to get away with it, or watch 2 attractive people you don't have inconvenient feelings for have sex

8) Nobody wants to hear how hot their recent ex was. They wanna hear what an ungrateful bitch he/she was first, then they wanna hear how hot all your single friends are.

9) NEVER talk about an unfinished project. My whole life, it seems, is a queue of projects awaiting release from the curse of "premature unveiling".

10) The two most important people you will EVER have in your life are:
a) The one that gets the most your jokes, and
b) The one that refuses to take the most of your bullshit

11) Laugh as LOUDLY and as OFTEN as possible, even if noone else gets the joke. Fuck em, at least someone's having fun. It definitely helps to have 10a around though.