The Answer Machine.

August 2006.



So downstairs at my apartment complex, in the little kiosk where they keep the arcade games and the washing machines, there's a boxy, 70s-style dispenser machine that just says ANSWERS in this flowery font with psychedelic asterisks raining around it. Below it is the byline ("This tells you everything you want to hear"). I think, at one point, it used to dispense Beta-Max tapes but got refurbished at the factory...

As I tend to do on evenings where I have an extra hour available and nothing to wash, I pull up one of those green plastic laundromat chairs up, fish out a bunch of change and do a couple of turns on the QUESTION wheel, to see if there are any new options.

The first question (and my first quarter) bring up "WHY DOES NOONE RESPECT ME?".

With a self-satisfied "ding" a little card emerges, ZOLTAN style.

The card says "BECAUSE YOU'RE A DRUNK AND A CHUMP".

This machine must have been imported from Japan, I assume, because it also dispenses cold beer. After the the card dropped, the beer selections seemed to blink more aggressively. For 50 more cents (and two potential questions lost) I purchased a beer, popped it, and continued to search for truth.

The next question was, "REALLY? A CHUMP?".

"Ding".

The card read "JUST KIDDING, YOU'RE A GENIUS AND EVERYONE IS JEALOUS".

I flipped the lever which let the question wheel spin randomly, and the next question (my next quarter, or half my next beer) was "SHE LEFT ME"...

"Ding".

The card read "WHO NEEDS HER ANYWAY? SHE WASN'T VERY SUPPORTIVE OF YOU, AND REMEMBER ALL THE SHIT SHE TRIED TO PULL?".

This thing is good.

I let the wheel chose for me again and it read "BUT I LOVED HER..."

"Ding".

The card read "WHAT DO YOU EXPECT? YOU'RE EMOTIONALLY DISTANT AND IMMATURE. PLUS YOU'RE A DRUNK AND A CHUMP. NOONE WILL EVER REALLY LOVE YOU."

Funny thing is, somehow both these answers were what I wanted to hear. This called for a second beer.

That beer left me with one quarter, so I had to be picky about this last question... I finally selected "WILL ANYTHING MAKE SENSE?"

Whirr. Click. "Ding".

The card read "ASK ME TOMORROW. In the meantime, how about a nice mail-order Degree? Thousands like you find the career of their dreams..."

And as I tend to do evenings like this, I returned to my apartment no wiser than I left.

At least I got a couple of beers out of it.