"The Globalists Are Taking Our Beer!"

July 2008.

Once upon a time, when I was very drunk, I suddenly found myself saying-

"Really? Aztecs and the end of the world? You really believe that's what Stanley Kubrick was talking about?"

I must admit I was nonplussed.

"Yeah, man... totally!" said the hippie, "There's even the shape of a Central American pyramid in the hedge maze, man! It doesn't get any more obvious than that!"

You know, he had my attention when he was talking about the repeating numbers, and the way peripheral items in the movie would change shape and color. And he was very convincing when insisting the differences between the book and movie were intentional...

But this was getting stupid really quick... How did a conversation about a guy in a dog suit giving a blow job go downhill so quickly?

And then he began talking about the globalist conspiracy...

Now I enjoy hearing a good conspiracy theory as much as the next guy, whether or not I believe in it. Unfortunately, my willingness to listen and my general politeness frequently back-fire on me, leading to unpleasant turns of conversation. Like the time I drank half a bottle of absinthe and was stuck riding in the back seat of a car for nearly an hour with a guy who apparently believed his sole purpose in life was to convince me that Carrot Top's "Chairman Of The Board" was the most under-rated politically subversive comedy ever.

This conversation wasn't quite that bad, now that I think of it.

Anyway, we all know that Doogie Howser invented blogging, and the Marquis De Sade invented tentacle porn. Throw in Al Gore, and you have the founding fathers of this lovely invention, "The Internet", we are all currently enjoying. The unfortunate side effect, however, is that most of the crazies I run into these days have been able to more-easily combine their ingredients into this sort-of "Conspiracy Pico De Gallo" of equal parts Globa-Bilder-Minati, Orwell-o-phile Fatalism, a mish-mash of every western (and occasionally Native American) religion's apocalypse, and never-shutting-up-about-that-thing-that-happened-in-New-York-with-the-buildings-and-stuff.

Fucking boring. On second thought, maybe I would rather be lectured about Carrot Top.

I swear, it's the same rant every time. Me, I think it's a cause they can adopt to seem radical while still, annoyingly, being able to hold on to their latent racism and homophobia. If I was to give my opinion based on what I know about the "Truther" movement, let's just say I'd have to call "Godwin's Law" on myself.

Enough on that though.

While my mind was wandering, the dude was talking about how the current recession is an intentional move by the globalists to sell off America or something...

"Look at what happened to Anheuser-Busch, man! Budweiser is an American symbol, and now it's been subverted to Belgian-UN bullshit! The Globalists got our beer, man!"

"What are you talking about?" I said, "Budweiser is right-wing bullshit anyway! And now that InBev bought Anheuser-Busch, Pabst is now the largest American brewer! Not only do they make PBR but they also bottle Lone Star, the only two beers I drink, as well as being the only American brewer with a consistently "blue" track record (meaning they contribute more to progressive causes, rather than Republican/conservative as recorded by buyblue.org)..."

"...as far as I'm concerned, this is a win for the good guys!"